While He Was Sleeping
by RebelX
Summary: What happens when the sages decide to come visit Ganondorf in the evil realm? Trust me, it's not what you think. Rated due to language, innuendo, and my own paranoia.


While He Was Sleeping

A short one shot by RebelX

Summary: One day the sages all visit Ganondorf's comatose body in the evil realm and reveal some of their dark secrets to him. Little do they know that Ganondorf's spirit is watching them, and hears every word they say!

A/N: A cute little one shot I thought of at 1 o'clock in the morning. Reveals some strange things about the sages…

The evil realm was, as its name implied, a place of utter darkness and despair. Whether there was a sun or even stars shining above it, no one knew, due to the ever-present torrent of thick black clouds swirling through its sky. The wasteland beneath the clouds did nothing to alleviate the feeling of desolation generated by this place. The parched, cracked ground was permanently died reddish brown with the blood of innocence. The blackened husks of dead trees clawed viciously at the storm wracked sky, their shrunken, misshapen forms frozen pictures of writhing torment. The only plants that could grow in this brutal landscape were scrawny, thorny, poisonous tendrils that seemed to pop up everywhere alongside the towering skeletal trees.

Demons of every sort scoured this miserable landscape, both humanoid and bestial, hunting and subsisting on the other monsters which roamed the land. All who lived here were created with no purpose other than to kill and relish in the iron taste of blood.

But in the midst of this twisted hell there was but one place of beauty and peace. Directly at the epicenter of the endless wastes, a tower rose from the depths of the valley and rose to caress the heavens. Ironically, this tower served as the eternal prison for the dark lord, Ganondorf Dragmire. Its glistening walls were hewn of pure energy crystallized into some sort of translucent stone. Within it lay nothing but an endless staircase which seemed to spiral on and on into eternity. At the end of the endless, at the apex of the eternal, lay a platform, on which a circle of six crystals glowed with multicolored light. One green, one red, one blue, one orange, one purple, and one yellow, from these crystals sprung six beams of pure energy in each of their respective colors. These crystals were evenly spaced in a circle around the platform, and in the center of the circle there was a stone altar. The beams from the crystals met in the center of the platform, winding around each other to form a crystal of energy. And within this crystal, imprisoned in comatose for so long as these beams of power bound him, lay the great King of Evil himself. He lay on the stone altar, his form slack and his eyes closed. He looked…surprisingly peaceful. Of course, that was probably due to the fact that only his body resided on the altar. His spirit, his consciousness, was currently standing beside his body, glaring down at his own person. In spirit Ganondorf looked the same as he did in body, only his form was translucent, like that of a ghost. He was one after all, for all intents and purposes. With a sigh he turned and sat on the edge of the altar, letting his legs dangle off the edge. He'd grown bored with wandering the tortured wastelands of the evil realm, and had taken the couple months it took to climb the stairs up to the platform. He was at least moderately pleased to note that his body hadn't aged at all...though he had no idea how much time had actually passed. He wondered idly if the crystal had been Zelda's idea...a sick sort of joke that he didn't doubt she would be capable of.

Suddenly, the air rippled around him, and he was most surprised to see the sage of light, Rauru, appear on the platform beside the yellow crystal. He looked around the chamber, his eyes moving about shiftily, and seeing no one, slunk over to the crystal of energy. The old man couldn't see Ganondorf's spirit of course. Ganondorf watched as Rauru touched the crystal barrier, his hand glowing yellow, and then his hand just passed through it as if it didn't exist! Ganondorf's mouth dropped open as the sage then proceeded to just walk through the barrier and come up to the altar on which his body lay. What the hell was he doing! He would soon find out. Rauru slunk up to Ganondorf's body and started going through his pockets.

_What the- ! Rauru, a pickpocket? I never expected such a thing of a sage! Well…Nabooru maybe, but Rauru!_

"Alright! Two purple rupees! Excellent. I can buy a couple six packs with that."

Ganondorf's spirit stared at the sage, his eyebrows raised as far as they could go. A pickpocket _and_ a boozehound? Well. Looks like he didn't know the sages as well as he thought he did.

Rauru then left the barrier and disappeared from the evil realm. Ganondorf shook his head. Weird.

A while later, Ganondorf felt another disturbance.

_Not again…he's not going to steal my jewelry now, is he?_

But it wasn't Rauru. No, it was Zelda, the princess! She didn't enter the barrier, but just stood watching the rhythmic breathing of his slumbering body, her eyes distant and sad.

"Ganondorf…" she said, "I don't know if you can hear me, but…I…I only thought it right that you should know…"

She broke off, sniffling, tears streaming down her face. "I-I-I'm…pregnant."

Ganondorf stared. Why on earth was she telling him this?

"You…you probably don't even remember…you were pretty drunk that night…" she laughed weakly, "but you…you're the father."

If Ganondorf's jaw had been solid, it would have made a thump as it hit the floor. He'd knocked up the princess! And he didn't even remember it! Damn!

"I just…just thought you should know…" and with that she disappeared, still weeping.

Ganondorf scratched his head. If he ever got out of here, he would never drink exorbitant amounts of alcohol while in the company of a beautiful woman. He wanted to remember these kinds of things, dammit!

Another disturbance. Now what! It was the fish…what's her name…Rato? Ruo? Ru…to? That was it! Ruto! Now what did she want?

_Oh goddesses please tell me I didn't knock up the fish girl_…

Ruto didn't enter the barrier either. She just stood there and glared at him.

"So close. So very, very close…you had a perfect opportunity, you know. It would have done me such a favor…but nooooo. Oh why…why didn't you kill my stupid father! The fat bastard has been nothing but a giant pain all my life! You could have killed him so easily, but no, you just froze him like everyone else! And you didn't even use the special ice, just the crappy red stuff that melts under blue fire! You idiot! Now he's forcing me to marry some stuck up prince I don't even know, and it's all your fault! Because you didn't kill him when you had the chance! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO THE EVIL REALM FOR YOUR NEGLIGENCE! Oh wait…you're already here aren't you…well…DAMN YOU ANYWAY!"

And with those angry words, the fish disappeared as well. Ganondorf ran a hand through his hair.

_Oooookaaaaay…that was…interesting…note to self in case I ever get out of here: Blackmail Ruto by threatening not to kill her father_

Ganondorf sat back on the altar, wondering if anyone else was going to stop by. Sure enough, here comes the little forest sage Sarah. Or was it Aria? Something like that. She did the same thing Rauru did; putting her hand on the barrier and then walking through it.

_They must be able to do that because the barrier is made of their magic or something…_

She walked over and hopped up on the altar. She hesitated then, looking down at his slumbering body with misgivings, then shuddered slightly and scooted over towards his face. Ganondorf was getting a little anxious now. What was she doing! She hesitated again, then with the look of someone steeling themselves for something, leaned forward and lifted one of his eyelids.

"Ha! I was right! His eyes _are_ orange! Link owes me 10 rupees!"

Gleefully she released his eyelid and jumped from the altar, giggling a little as she scampered out of the barrier. Then her face sort of fell as she slumped where she stood, her head bowed.

"Uh…I really got to work on my gambling problem…"

She sighed, and disappeared.

Ganondorf shook his head. _ A Kokiri with a gambling problem? Hmm. Guess we're not so different, after all…_

The fire sage-Darnia? Darmanie? Daru- Darunia, that was it! -was the next to appear, a few hours later. He stood outside the barrier and looked inside, his features as stony-faced as always.

"I know not if you can hear me, villain…and I know you probably can not answer me…but there is a question that has been driving me mad which I simply have to ask you, even if I do not get an answer…"

He leaned forward, his eyes strangely intense.

"…was there ever really a dragon? Link tells me there was…but I never saw it! None of my people did! They sat there shivering in their cages for two years, and nothing ate them! And when I tried to go into the dragon's chamber, I was whisked into the chamber of sages before I could see anything…so was there a dragon? Or was it all a figment of our minds? Something meant to scare us into submission? Was it real? Are we real? Or are we all in the matrix? What is reality? Is it only what you can see and feel, taste, touch, and smell? Does it lie only in our perception? What is existence? What is thought? Why am I here? Why do the pots in my room reappear every time I leave the area? And why oh why does the statue in my room keeping laughing at me? _WHY!"_

He ranted a bit more, then broke off suddenly and looked around, his eyes wide with panic.

"They're here…aren't they…? Th-they've come to take me away…ha ha…they've come to take me away…AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

Darunia turned and jumped off the platform, screaming. His scream cut off abruptly, and Ganondorf could only assume he had teleported out. He shook his head numbly.

_These sages aren't just weird, they're frickin' crazy! _

As it turned out, the "they" that Darunia had sensed was actually Nabooru. She appeared on the edge of the platform and looked down, then shook her head and walked over to the crystal.

"I've always wondered about him…" she murmured thoughtfully. She stood for a moment, watching Ganondorf's body silently, her eyes glazing over.

"…he can't hear me. How could he, asleep in the seal?" she muttered suddenly. Ganondorf's spirit snorted. Little did she know…

She entered the barrier, sat down on the altar beside him, and heaved a long, wistful sigh.

"Why are the good-looking ones always evil…?"

Ganondorf blinked.

_She thinks I'm good looking?_

She sighed again, tenderly brushing the hair from his eyes. Then she straightened, glancing around to see if anyone was around. Seeing no one, she looked back down at Ganondorf. Then she leaned forward and kissed him!

Ganondorf's spirit froze, his mouth falling open farther and farther as he watched her. There is something horribly disconcerting about watching someone make out with your comatose body.

_Holy crap! Nabooru…I thought she hated me…but now she's…!_

Suddenly Nabooru froze, jerked up, and scrambled off the altar, out of the barrier, and disappeared.

Impa appeared a split second later, looking around searchingly.

"Nabooru? I could have sworn I felt…oh well"

She looked up and caught sight of Ganondorf.

"Oh, hello there Ganondorf. Come to visit your body?"

It took Ganondorf a second or two to realize that she could actually see his spirit and was waiting for a response from him.

"Wha…I…er…hello…you can see me?"

Impa rolled her eyes, "Of course I can see you. I am the sage of shadows, you know. Master of all things dead and undead? Sensing spirits of any sort is child's play."

"Oh. Well. You're the seventh sage to come visit me today, you know that?"

"Really? Interesting."

"And I must say, after what I've seen, I've concluded the whole lot of them are loonies."

Impa snorted. "Yes, they can be a bit…odd…at times…"

"So. What did you come to talk to me about?"

"…you said I was the seventh sage to come see you?"

"Yes."

"So that means every other sage has already seen you."

"Yes…"

"Including Zelda?"

Suddenly Ganondorf had a terrible sinking feeling and a good idea of what Impa wanted to talk about.

"Ah…eheh…yeah…"

Impa cracked her knuckles as she glared menacingly up at him.

…_eep._


End file.
